What Truly Happened At Helm's Deep
by cymrulady
Summary: This is a oneoff, single chapter attempt to show how the battle Might have turned out if LOTR had been a comedy, not drama. Only those with a genuine sense of humour may apply! Includes everyone who was there and a few who were'nt!


Since the weekend is upon us, I thought I'd have a stab at making you smile! I wrote this quite a few months ago and thought I'd post it in the hope it might amuse you. It was the first thing I ever wrote (and I promise I will never attempt anything humorous again - lol!).

My sincerest apologies to anyone who reads this in the hope it is like 'Forever Yours' - it isn't!

Cymrulady

………………………………………………………………………………………

This piece is written for reasons of personal entertainment only and all characters are owned by the wonderful J R R Tolkien (except maybe, the scabby horse at the end - but then, would anyone want to lay claim to THAT?) No offence is intended.

What Truly Happened at Helm's Deep

Chapter 1 – The Elves arrive

Our tale begins in a room aside from the maelstrom of activity occurring throughout the Deep.

Aragorn adjusts his attire with meticulous attention and is engrossed in his activities when he notices his sword levitating toward him:

Aragorn: Wow!

He looks up and is disappointed to see Legolas is in fact holding the sword.

Aragorn: Darn! I thought it was magic.

Legolas: I came to apologies – I was going to tell you I was wrong to despair – but if you are hoping for a magic sword….?

Aragorn: I was not!

Legolas: You were too – and you are still angry with me.

Aragorn: Well what do you expect? You decide to air your opinions in front of everyone without a thought to the effect it would have. Oh and what perfect timing! You turn into the bringer of doom just as we run out of real weapons and are starting to hand out the saucepans and soup ladles.

Legolas: What do you hope to do with those? Cook them a good meal and call the whole battle off?

Aragorn: They have a myriad of uses …..shields, rock throwers …use your imagination!

Legolas: (smugly) I am using it and the only way you will defeat the enemy with those is if they die laughing!

Aragorn: Oh go file your nails!

Legolas: Already done. Also bathed, hair washed and feet pedicured. Speaking of bathing…….

Aragorn: Always with the bathing! I bathed before leaving Imladris. It's weakening you know!

Legolas: Well just make sure you stand down-wind of me on the battlements.

They are interrupted by a loud clanking noise as Gimli arrives in his chain mail.

Gimli: If I had time I'd get this adjusted. A tuck here, a pleat there, it could look quite stylish!

Legolas: Only Elves can look stylish! It is in the rules – look it up.

Gimli: It's little tight about the chest!

He lets his chain mail drop to the floor, much to the amusement of Aragorn and Legolas.

Aragorn: At least it will keep your feet warm!

Just then a horn sounds!

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Aragorn: No, but it could be Theoden practising his tuba again.

Legolas: This I have to see.

They leave the room running. When they emerge at the Keep an amazing sight awaits them. The Elves have arrived.

The leader of the Elf army, Haldir, approaches the king and bows.

Theoden: What the ……?

Haldir: I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell….

Theoden: No, hang on a minute……

Haldir: What?

Theoden: Where did you come from?

Haldir: I was just coming to that! Now you have interrupted me I have lost my thread …..Oh now I remember….but I will have to start from the beginning or the total effect will be lost …..I bring word….

Theoden: You've already said that!

Haldir: I KNOW! I will never get to the best bit if you do not let me finish.

Theoden: It gets better then?

Haldir: You bet! There is a really dramatic bit about alliances and Elves and Men and….

Aragorn: Haldir! My friend! It is good to see you!

Haldir: It seems no-one wishes to hear my speech. And it took me all night to write!

Theoden: Oh, just go with the flow.

Aragorn runs down the steps followed by Legolas and pulls Haldir into a hug.

Haldir: (To self) Now this is an unexpected pleasure …..not! When did he last bathe? And why is Princey looking so eager? Oh no! I think he wants a hug too! Why me? I can think of a few things I want to say to Galadriel when I get back!

Aragron releases Haldir and makes way for Legolas who also feels like a hug but Haldir is too quick for him and instead directs Legolas' hands onto his shoulders.

Haldir: So, you are still with them then? Is Mirkwood that boring? Where is the Dwarf?

Legolas: Aye my friend, we are still together and Gimli is here and most anxious to greet you!

Haldir: (Muttering) I bet he is the hairy, rough, unspeakable, dingy, smelly…..

Gimli: Oi! I heard that! I don't want a hug now. I always thought you were stuck up anyway.

Haldir: There are gods watching over us!

As one, the Elven soldiers turn to face the king.

Theoden: Wow, that was good! Can they do it again?

Haldir: No!

Theoden: Oh go on.

Haldir: Alright, but only once.

King Theoden smiles excitedly as the Elves do the move again.

Theoden: You could set that to music.

Aragorn: I could be in the front row……

Legolas: And I could do a few spins…..

Gimli: And I could do an excerpt from "River Dance"!

All turn to look at Gimli open-mouthed and he hangs his head.

Gimli: I got a little carried away.

Legolas: A little…?

Haldir: Sooooo..are we going to get ready or what?

Chapter 2 – And So It Begins

The Men and Elves are standing anxiously on the battlements. The Elves are more than a little miffed at seeming to be in the front row. (How did that happen?) The sound of marching Orcs rumbles in the distance. Gimli and Legolas are standing amidst the Elves.

Gimli: You could have picked a better spot! I can't see a thing!

Aragorn arrives to join them.

Legolas: Your friends are with you Aragorn!

Gimli: (looking around) Where? When did they arrive?

Theoden stands with his lieutenants surveying the scene. Lightening flashes, lighting the sky and it begins to rain.

On the battlements, Aragorn decides to deliver some sage advice to the Elves. Unfortunately, his Elvish is a little rusty. Unaware of this fact, he decides to use the Elves mother tongue throughout the battle. He does not start well.

Aragorn; in Elvish - Show them no mercy for you shall receive none!

1st Elf warrior: They've got Percy and they're spoiling our fun?

2nd Elf warrior: Who the hell is Percy?

3rd Elf warrior: Isn't he the guy who irons our cloaks?

4th Elf warrior: No, I think he's Legolas' hair braider!

Further along the battlements, Gimli is getting a little distraught.

Gimli: What's happening?

Legolas: What…have I nothing better to do than describe everything to you? If you want a better view then stand on the wall!

Gimli: But then I'd be in full view and will be the first to die!

Legolas: True, but at least then you would be the first to know what was happening.

Gimli: Smart arse!

Legolas: One thing continues to puzzle me 'though. Why would the Lady Galadriel send Haldir into battle in a bright red cloak? Surely the Orcs will see him first of all on the wall?

Gimli: Do you think it may have something to do with the note I left for her when we left Lorien?

Legolas: What note?

Gimli: The one which said " Haldir was the one who stole your highlighting kit. He used it to ensure he had the lightest hair in Lorien."

Legolas: But you know it was I who took it…. I could not bare to think Haldir had nicer hair than me!

Gimli: Aye, I know that laddie but by the look of it, the Lady believed me and has taken revenge, He,he!

Haldir: (looking down at himself) Hmm, this nice shiny armour looks lovely in the moonlight. I can see the twinkle of the light on it and this wonderful red cloak looks perfectly…… wait a minute! Shiny armour? Red cloak? She is having a laugh! I stand out like an Orc at a beauty pageant! Help!

Haldir: (to Elf standing next to him) Excuse me, but do you happen to have some black boot polish or perhaps a spare cloak I might borrow?

Elf: Sorry mate!

Haldir: Got any paper then…and a quill?

Elf: Why?

Haldir: Because if I die in this stinking battle I want to be sure that the Angry Green Elf Queen knows just what I think of her!

A thunderous pounding is heard as the Uruk Hai army march into view and begin to beat their spears on the ground. Aragorn draws his sword as men and Elves ready their bows. Suddenly an arrow flies from the bow of an elderly man unable to maintain the tension - or just plain bored.

Old man: Oops, my bad! Sorry! (waves)

The arrow hits an Uruk in the finger and he drops like a stone.

Uruk Hai: AArhh! Grrrh! Ahriuhn! (translation – He's such a girl!)

1st Uruk on left: He shot Kenny!

Uruk Leader: Urhhhh grrahh, marrgh! (translation – Ok, is everybody ready? Do you have your first aid kits handy and do you all know who your partner is?)

Inside the Deep the tension mounts. As one the Uruks charge forward. (A few skip forward holding hands but most run.).

Legolas: (softly) Their armour is weak at the neck and beneath the arms.

Elf to his left: What?

Legolas: (Still softly) Their armour is weak at the neck and beneath the arms!

Elf to his left: I still cannot hear you. What did you say?

Legolas: (Yet again, softly) Their armour is weak at the neck and beneath the arms!

Elf to his right: What, the barber is meek on the trek and weeps with alarm?

Elf to his left: No, no…I have it now, the harbour will leak if ……..

Legolas: Oh forget it!

Theoden: Well here we go then!

Gamling: That's not very grand!

Theoden: Oh, well how about "Go get 'em boys"!

Gamling: Nope!

Theoden: Let's rip 'em to shreds?

Gamling: Don't think so!

Theoden: (Grandly) And so it begins!

Gamling: Now that's just over the top!

Aragorn: (Something in Elvish)

Man of Rohan: What?

Friend of Man of Rohan: I don't think he was talking to us.

Man of Rohan: Are you sure? Because I don't want to look silly. I mean, if we're supposed to join in then I will but on the other hand I don't want to look pushy.

Friend of Man of Rohan: Just look in the other direction and pretend you haven't heard.

Man of Rohan: Oh, OK.

The Elves release a storm of arrows and Uruk begin to fall. There are a lot of them however, and they just keep coming.

The men of Rohan fire a volley and the order is given to fire at will. Aragorn sees the Uruk erect ladders against the wall.

Aragorn: Ladders!

Gimli: Yes, now I can join in! Send them to me!

Legolas: Oh yes, eager now are we not? What were you so occupied with when I asked you to pass me more arrows, hmm? Too busy winking at the Elves!

Gimli: I was not winking, I had something in my eye!

Legolas: That was the excuse you gave when I caught you doing it to me at the Council of Elrond!

Gimli: Hrmph!

The Uruk pour over the battlements and the Elves and men resort to swords (all with the exception of Legolas who finds he cannot withdraw his short swords. Gimli slides the bottle of super glue under a rock).

Suddenly, an Uruk pushes through carrying a bomb. (well, we know it's a bomb). He is followed by another racing forward carrying a torch.

1st Uruk Hai: Hey, isn't he the one who got 5 gold medals in the last Orc Olympics?

2nd Uruk Hai: I heard it was 6!

Aragorn sees the danger and calls to Legolas in Elvish to bring him down.

Legolas: What do you mean 'you hair's untidy!' Of course it is. It's raining and I'm jumping around…….

Aragorn: No, bring him down Legolas! Kill him!

Legolas: Oh, okey - dokey !(to self - his Elvish gets worse every day)

He lets fly two arrows but the Uruk keeps coming.

Aragorn: Bring him down Legolas!

Legolas: Ok, Ok, keep calm, now (to self) down a bit, left a bit, up a bit…..

Aragorn: (taps Legolas on the shoulder) Ahem… anytime you're ready. I mean, no need to rush, just take your time!

Legolas: Oh, thank you. (relaxes bow and leans on the wall) You know, I was thinking…after all this, how about we travel a bit? We could take in a few sights, maybe a cruise…..

BIG explosion!

The wall of the Deep is blown apart, throwing Elves and men into the air. Aragorn lands with a thump and looks around him in a daze.

Aragorn: Ah crap!

Legolas sees his friends in danger and grabs a Rohan shield, launches it at the steps and surfs down them firing arrows.

Rohan soldier to friend: Did you see that?

Friend: Yeah! It'll never catch on 'though!

Aragorn gathers the Elves and charges at the emerging Uruk Hai.

Elf warrior: I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Oh why did I come? I am only 3,000 years old!

Elf warrior friend: Really? You look great! Your skin is fantastic and your hair is simply gorgeous.

Elf warrior: Oh thanks! I look after myself you know. Early nights, plenty of moisturiser, never wash up without gloves……

The battle rages on all levels until Theoden decides they are outnumbered and calls a retreat to the keep!

Aragorn passes the message to Haldir (in Elvish)

Haldir to nearby Elf: Did he just say he likes me?

Elf: I think so but his Elvish is not very good. Better ask him again, just to be sure.

Haldir: Aragorn! WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Aragorn: (in Elvish) To the keep!

Haldir: (walking up to Aragorn) I like you too! I was only saying earlier that of all the men I know, you are……………….

Aragorn: I SAID, Fall back to the keep!

Haldir: Oh, sorry! My mistake. Boy do I feel silly!

Legolas and a Rohan soldier hurry past carrying a struggling Gimli between them.

Gimli: Lemego! I was really getting on with that Elf. I think he likes me!

Haldir turns to call his Elves to the keep but an Uruk stabs him in the arm.

Haldir: Ouch! That hurts a bit! Ooh, I will need a plaster for that!

Another Uruk slices his back from behind.

Haldir: Oh come on! Once is enough! And I mean…in the back? Oh the indignity! Well I suppose this is it. Haldir bites the dust!

He sinks to his knees and surveys the bodies around him.

Haldir: Ooh, that's Neville and that's Graham and that's …. No, I don't know who that is.

Aragorn sees Haldir fall and races towards him, killing Uruk Hai as he goes.

Aragorn: Halldeeer!

Haldir: I know that voice!

Aragorn reaches Haldir just as he slides to the ground and puts his arms around him

Haldir: Hi!

Aragorn: My friend, you do not look well!

Haldir: Well, it's not too bad really, broken arm, severed spine, massive blood loss….nothing major!

Aragorn: I am sorry my friend

Aragorn drops Haldir to the ground and continues fighting

Haldir: Er, not dead yet! Someone, anyone? Ooh it's not my day!

Aragorn fights his way to the keep along with everyone else.

Inside the keep Theoden tells the men to brace the door as the Uruk are pounding on it.

Aragorn decides to create a diversion and slips out with Gimli through a handy dandy side door.

Gimli: Why don't the Uruk Hai try to come in through there then?

Aragorn: Because they don't know about it!

Gimli:Oh!

They are overwhelmed by the orcs and Theoden peeps through the door of the keep.

Theoden: Um, you can come in now if you like?

Aragorn: Good, 'cause I'm getting a bit fed up of tossing the dwarf!

Gimli: I only asked you to do it once!

Aragorn signals Legolas to throw down a rope.

Legolas: And just where am I supposed to get one? Hmm?

Aragorn: Look around!

Legolas disappears and reappears, emptyhanded.

Legolas: Ummm….sorry, no rope! Could you go back the way you came?

Aragorn: You !

Legolas: Ooh, nasty. I did not know he knew words like that.

Aragorn: Hurry Legolas!

Legolas: Oh, hang about! Look what I've found!

Holds up rope.

Aragorn: Well, throw it down then!

Legolas does

Aragorn: Now find another rope and tie it to something BEFORE you throw it down.

Legolas: Moan, moan, moan. Do this, go there, shoot that! Honestly, I am a Prince you know!

Aragorn: Legolas, DO SOMETHING!

Gimli: Pity his hair's not longer!

Legolas: I heard that!

Aragorn: Ask around!

Legolas to Rohan soldier: Er, excuse me, but do you have a rope?

Rohan soldier: Yes, here you are.

Hands rope to Legolas

Legolas: Now what are the odds on that happening?

Legolas throws rope down, (tying it first) and hauls up Aragorn and Gimli.

Gimli: Cor, you're stronger than you look!

Legolas: I work out!

Aragorn: We still have a battle to fight unless you two want to form the Legolas Admiration Society!

Legolas: Actually, it already exists!

The Uruk army keep coming and things look bleek. Everyone has retreated to the keep. Aragorn reaches a state of desperation.

Aragorn: (to Theoden) Ride out with me!

Theoden: What, are you mad? There are thousands of raving Uruk Hai out there and I have a nice little pension plan set up.

Aragorn: Do it for your people!

Aragorn: But I hardly know them.

Aragorn: Then do it for the glory.

Theoden: Nope!

Aragorn: What about for honour?

Theoden: Not a chance!

Aragorn: OK then, how about for £10 and a nice pair of boots?

Theoen: Now you're talking!

They call for their horses and just then they hear tapping on the side door. The door is opened to reveal-

Haldir: Hello!

Aragorn: You're dead!

Haldir: Actually……….no! I admit I was slightly injured but it hurt more when you dropped me and I hit my head on the floor! Elves ARE immortal you know!

Aragorn: But you can die in battle or else why are there so many dead Elves outside?

Haldir: They're not dead, just resting. You see, we Elves are great in short bursts but we tire easily. They're just having a quick nap before carrying on. You'll see. In a few hours they'll all be bouncing around a raring to go again!

Theoden: But by then we'll all be dead!

Haldir: Hmm, you have a point there! Still, look on the bright side. We'll be able to avenge your deaths!

Aragorn: Brilliant! I feel soooooooooo much better knowing you'll kill and orc for me. And another thing. If Elves tire so easily how is Legolas still running around? Shouldn't he be napping too?

Haldir: Oh, he had his nap during the fighting. I saw him curled up in a corner with a cup of hot chocolate and a book – he fell asleep soon after.

Legolas: (Looking VERY embarrassed) I only took a short nap and I didn't even finish the chapter I was on!

Aragorn: I am like, totally disillusioned!

Haldir: Well, getting back to ME! Does anyone have a plaster or bandages handy? I'm feeling a bit fragile!

Theoden: Oh no you don't! You're coming with us. You were sent to help, remember?

Haldir: Will this hell never end?

The horses are brought and all mount except Haldir:

Haldir: My horse has bald spots and is limping!

Theoden: Well you don't expect us to waste a good horse on a dying Elf do you?

Haldir: HOW MANY TIMES? I am NOT dying! I merely need a good sleep! Honestly, you have Legolas with you; if there are any female Uruk, just throw him to them and watch as the males kill each other in a jealous rage!

Aragorn: Oh all right then. Stay with Gimli!

Haldir: Stay with the DWARF? No way! I have seen him winking at the other Elves and I am the only one awake! I will come with you and pray my horse does not drop dead in the midst of battle!

With that, they ride out to face the hordes, felling them on all sides. All looks lost when suddenly, a bright light shines in the east.

Aragorn: It's a bird,

Theoden: It's a plane,

Legolas: It's……..

Haldir: It's the Lone Ranger!

Legolas: I was just about to say 'It's Gandalf'!

A great army, led by the White Wizard streams down the steep slope and ploughs into the Uruk Hai army. Overwhelmed, the Uruks turn and flee.

Great cheering can be heard in the Deep and relief shows on the faces of all.

Theoden: Great timing Oh Bearded One! I thought we were goners for sure!

Legolas: Perhaps now I can finish my book!

Haldir: And maybe, just maybe, I can get a plaster?...Please?...It is really starting to smart now…..No plasters? Alrighty then! I will just go and sit over there and BLEED!

END


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